🧭 Why Do I Attract Abusive or Unhealthy People?

Understanding the patterns—and learning how to change them.

You’re not alone if you’ve found yourself in more than one unhealthy or abusive relationship. Many people ask, “Why do I keep attracting these kinds of people?” This question is a powerful step toward insight, healing, and self-protection.

Below are some common contributing factors, reading recommendations, and articles to help you begin making sense of your experiences and develop safer, more fulfilling relationship patterns.

🔁 Common Reasons This Pattern Happens

Pattern	Description
Unresolved Childhood Wounds	We often unconsciously seek out relationships that feel familiar, even if they were unsafe. This is called “repetition compulsion.”
Attachment Style	People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may tolerate poor treatment or chase emotionally unavailable partners.
Low Self-Worth	If we believe we’re “too much” or “not enough,” we may accept behavior that confirms those beliefs.
Overdeveloped Empathy / Caretaking	You may be conditioned to fix, rescue, or understand others at your own expense.
Poor Boundaries or Guilt Around Saying No	People who lack boundaries often become targets for those who seek control or enmeshment.
Trauma Bonding	This is a powerful emotional attachment formed through repeated cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement.

📚 Recommended Books for Healing & Insight

Book	Why It Helps
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk	Helps explain how trauma affects your nervous system and relationship patterns.
Women Who Love Too Much – Robin Norwood	Understands why people are drawn to toxic dynamics despite wanting love.
Attached – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller	Teaches about attachment styles and how they shape who you’re drawn to.
Getting the Love You Want – Harville Hendrix	Shows how we repeat childhood dynamics and how to break the cycle.
Why Does He Do That? – Lundy Bancroft	Explains the mindsets and manipulation tactics of abusive individuals.
Boundaries – Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend	Learn how to say no, spot red flags, and protect your energy.
The Gift of Fear – Gavin de Becker	Teaches how to trust your instincts and avoid dangerous people.

📰 Articles to Explore

1. Why Do I Keep Attracting Narcissists? Psychology Today Article

2. Trauma Bonding: Why You Can’t Stop Loving the Person Who Hurt You Healthline Article

3. ** How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Relationships Harvard Health Article

🛠 What You Can Start Doing

✅ Begin noticing red flags early, even if they feel “familiar”✅ Reflect on patterns without self-blame—these are survival responses✅ Practice saying no, even in small situations✅ Seek therapy that addresses trauma, boundaries, and inner child work✅ Identify what “safe love” feels like (predictable, kind, no eggshells)

🧡 You are not broken—your nervous system and past relationships shaped what you perceive as love. But you can absolutely unlearn these patterns and develop healthier, more empowering connections.