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Rebuilding Trust in Relationships: What Actually Works, According to Research

  • jaseneberzlcsw
  • Nov 19
  • 7 min read

Image created by Akool V2
Image created by Akool V2



When trust breaks in a relationship through lies, emotional distance, infidelity, or repeated broken promises, it can feel like the floor has dropped out from under both partners.


Clinically, though, we know two important things:

  1. Trust is repairable for many couples.

  2. There are specific, research-backed paths that make repair more likely.


This article walks through what the science says about rebuilding trust and offers concrete, therapist-informed steps you and your partner can take, whether you’re healing from a single rupture or a long pattern of disconnection.



Why Trust Matters So Much


Trust isn’t just a “nice to have.” In relationship science, trust is tied to:

  • Relationship satisfaction

  • Commitment and stability

  • Emotional and physical health


Research on close relationships repeatedly shows that when partners view each other as reliable, benevolent, and emotionally responsive, satisfaction and resilience are higher, even in the face of stress.Research with Rutgers+1


When trust is damaged, couples often describe:

  • Hypervigilance (“When’s the next shoe going to drop?”)

  • Intrusive images or memories of the breach

  • Cycles of conflict, withdrawal, or desperate reassurance-seeking


So, how do you actually rebuild trust, not just say “sorry” and hope it goes away?



The Three Big “Trust Repair Engines” We See in Research


Across decades of couple therapy and relationship science, three evidence-based processes consistently show up in relationships that successfully repair trust:

  1. Emotionally safe, attachment-focused conversations

  2. Concrete behavior change and consistency over time

  3. Forgiveness work and meaning-making after the hurt


The most empirically supported couple therapies, Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) and Behavioral / Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (BCT/IBCT), all lean heavily on these three engines.ScienceDirect+3PubMed+3PMC+3


Let’s break these down into practical steps.



Start With Safety and Full Accountability


A. Honest acknowledgment of harm

Trust repair begins when the partner who broke trust can clearly acknowledge what happened, without minimizing, defending, or shifting blame. That means specifics, not vague statements:

  • Not: “I made some mistakes.”

  • But: “I lied to you about where I was and kept that lie going for months. That was a betrayal of your trust.”


This is consistent with attachment-focused models like EFT, which emphasize facing the injury directly and validating the injured partner’s emotional reality as a foundation for repair.PubMed+1


B. Transparency and open information


After a significant rupture (especially infidelity or chronic lying), increased transparency is often necessary, at least for a period of time, to help the injured partner feel safer:

  • Being open about schedules and whereabouts

  • Sharing passwords or device access (if both agree and it feels reparative, not punitive)

  • Proactively offering information instead of waiting to be asked


This aligns with research on trust and attachment: when partners predictably respond and reduce ambiguity, anxiety and vigilance tend to decrease over time. PubMed+1


C. Clear boundaries around risk


Clinically, we’re often working on boundary-setting: limiting or ending contact with affair partners, setting rules around substances or spending, or creating safety plans if there has been emotional or physical aggression.

While this is more “behavioral” than emotional, it’s crucial: trust cannot grow in chaos.



2. Use Emotionally Focused Conversations to Heal the Wound


Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) is one of the most researched treatments for distressed couples. Studies show that EFT can lead to lasting increases in relationship satisfaction and more secure attachment bonds over 2-year follow-up periods.iceeft.com+3PubMed+3Wiley Online Library+3


At the heart of EFT, and of trust repair, are structured, emotionally honest conversations where both partners can safely say:

  • “This is how your behavior impacted me.”

  • “This is what I was feeling and needing underneath what I did.”


What these conversations focus on

  1. The injury itself

    1. The injured partner shares hurt, anger, confusion, grief.

    2. The offending partner stays present, listens, and responds with empathy rather than self-defense.

  2. The attachment fear underneath

    1. Many injured partners aren’t only thinking, “You lied.” They’re feeling:

    2. “Can I ever rely on you again?”

    3. “Do I matter to you?”EFT research shows that as couples move from attack/defend to “I’m scared of losing you” and “I want to be here for you,” attachment security and satisfaction increase.PubMed+1

  3. New emotional patternsOver time, couples practice new micro-patterns:

    1. Reaching instead of withdrawing

    2. Softening instead of attacking

    3. Responding rather than shutting down


These shifts are strongly associated with long-term gains in relationship satisfaction and reduced distress.PubMed+2Academia+2



3. Change the Behavior, Not Just the Words


You can’t talk your way out of a trust problem you behaved your way into.

This is where Behavioral Couple Therapy (BCT) and Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT) shine. In large randomized trials with significantly distressed couples, both BCT and IBCT show strong, durable improvements in marital satisfaction and functioning.PMC+3PubMed+3PMC+3


Clinically, behavior change looks like:


  • Specific, measurable commitments

    • “I will text you when I leave work and again when I arrive.”

    • “We will review our budget together every Sunday.”


  • Repairing patterns, not just episodes

    • The focus isn’t only “don’t lie again” but also:

      • Showing up when you say you will

      • Following through on childcare, household, or emotional commitments

      • Reducing behaviors that reliably trigger fear (e.g., disappearing when stressed, stonewalling)


  • Building positive interactions BCT/IBCT also emphasize increasing affection, appreciation, and shared activities, because trust grows faster in a relationship that feels generally warm and rewarding, not just “less bad.”PMC+1


Over time, consistent follow-through re-calibrates your partner’s nervous system: instead of bracing for disappointment, they begin (slowly) to expect reliability again.



4. Forgiveness Work: Letting Go Without Forgetting


One of the most robust findings in relationship research is that forgiveness is strongly linked with higher relationship satisfaction and stability.


That doesn’t mean “forgive and forget” or staying in unsafe situations. Clinically, forgiveness is more about:

  • Releasing chronic resentment

  • Rewriting the story from “You’re a monster” to “You deeply hurt me, and we worked through it”

  • Recovering a sense of personal power and peace


What the research shows

  • Longitudinal research suggests that people who are more prone to forgive partners report higher relationship satisfaction, partly because they invest more effort and engage in less destructive conflict.Research with Rutgers+1

  • A 2025 randomized controlled trial found that a six-session forgiveness-based intervention significantly increased marital commitment and trust compared to a control group, and those gains were maintained five months later.KMAN Publications+1

  • Recent work also shows that differentiation of self, being able to stay connected while maintaining your own sense of self, buffers distress after a partner’s offense and supports healthier forgiveness processes.PMC+1


Therapeutic forgiveness often includes:

  • Recalling the hurt and associated emotions (without minimizing)

  • Empathizing with the offender’s context without excusing the behavior

  • Altruistic gifting of forgiveness, drawing on times you’ve been forgiven

  • Committing to the decision to forgive, even when feelings fluctuate

  • Holding on to that commitment over time


These steps mirror structured forgiveness protocols (like the REACH model) that have shown benefits in couples and families.fincham.info+1



5. Rebuilding Daily Trust: Small, Repeated Moments


From a clinical perspective, trust isn’t rebuilt in one session or one conversation. It’s rebuilt through hundreds of small interactions that line up with the new story the couple is trying to create.


Some research-backed elements of daily trust-building include:

  • Predictability

    • Being where you say you’ll be

    • Responding to messages in agreed-upon timeframes

  • Emotional responsiveness

    • Noticing and responding when your partner reaches out (“bids”)EFT research consistently shows that increased emotional responsiveness is tied to better follow-up outcomes and more secure attachment.PubMed+2ResearchGate+2

  • Shared rituals

    • Weekly check-ins

    • Date nights

    • Shared morning or bedtime routines


These micro-moments are the “evidence base” your nervous systems use to update: “Maybe we’re not who we were at the moment of the betrayal. Maybe this relationship is different now.”



6. When to Involve a Therapist


Sometimes, the injury is so big, or the patterns are so entrenched, that trying to rebuild trust alone is like trying to do surgery on yourself.


Couple therapy is particularly helpful when:

  • There has been infidelity or chronic deception

  • The injured partner is stuck in intrusive images, hypervigilance, or trauma-like responses

  • Conflict escalates quickly or shuts down into silence

  • One or both partners vacillate between “I want to stay” and “I want to leave”


Empirically supported options include:


A trained couple therapist can help:

  • Slow down escalated fights

  • Structure difficult disclosures

  • Keep both partners emotionally safe

  • Track whether the relationship is truly becoming healthier, not just “less bad”



7. What Trust Repair Is Not


For completeness, and for your protection, it’s worth saying what trust repair is not:

  • It is not the injured partner being pressured to “get over it” quickly.

  • It is not forgiveness without genuine change.

  • It is not staying in situations of ongoing abuse, coercion, or chronic betrayal with no repair effort.


In evidence-based practice, we always weigh both relationship repair and individual safety and wellbeing. Sometimes, the most self-trusting move is actually to leave a relationship that repeatedly violates your core boundaries.



Bringing It All Together


From a clinical and research perspective, the most effective, “clinically proven” routes to repairing trust in a relationship combine:

  1. Clear accountability and increased transparency after the breach

  2. Emotionally focused, attachment-oriented conversations that address the deeper wounds

  3. Behavioral change and consistency over time, as seen in BCT/IBCT research

  4. Structured forgiveness work, when it is safe and appropriate

  5. Ongoing, daily trust-building practices that reinforce safety and connection


None of these steps are easy, but they are doable. And importantly, they’re not just good ideas; they’re grounded in decades of outcome research in couple therapy and relationship science.



References (APA 7th Edition)


Braithwaite, S. R., Selby, E. A., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). Forgiveness and relationship satisfaction: Mediating mechanisms. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 551–559. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024526 Research with Rutgers

Benson, L. A., Sevier, M., & Christensen, A. (2013). The impact of behavioral couple therapy on attachment in distressed couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 39(4), 407–420. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12020 PMC+2Wiley Online Library+2

Chen, M.-L., & Sari, I. (2025). Impact of a forgiveness-based intervention on marital commitment and trust restoration. Applied Family Therapy Journal, 6(1), 177–186. https://journals.kmanpub.com/index.php/aftj/article/view/3981 KMAN Publications+1

Christensen, A., Atkins, D. C., Berns, S., Wheeler, J., Baucom, D. H., & Simpson, L. E. (2004). Traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy for significantly and chronically distressed married couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(2), 176–191. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.72.2.176 PubMed

Fincham, F. D. (2019). Forgiveness in couple and family therapy. In J. Lebow, A. Chambers, & D. C. Breunlin (Eds.), Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy. Springer. fincham.info+1

Kasprzak, A., Martínez-Díaz, M. P., & Giráldez, C. A. M. (2025). Forgiveness in romantic relationships: The moderating role of differentiation of self in the relationship between offense severity and post-offense distress. Family Process, 64(4), e70082. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.70082 PMC

Wiebe, S. A., Johnson, S. M., Burgess Moser, M., Dalgleish, T., Lafontaine, M.-F., & Tasca, G. (2017). Two-year follow-up outcomes in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: An investigation of relationship satisfaction and attachment trajectories. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(2), 227–244. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12206

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